This is a big post.
A deep down tug at your heartstrings kind of post.
Stacey and I were in high school together and through the graces of good ol' Facebook we have been able to check in on each others lives through out the many years that has since passed. Through Facebook I was able to "meet" her baby girl, Morgan. The most beautiful and perfect little baby girl I had ever seen. I often referred to her as the "Gerber Baby," when talking to my husband about how beautiful she is. Also through Facebook, Stacey was able to "meet" our baby boy, Rocco. She was always there to lend an encouraging word or two, offer her and Morgan's prayers at night, just support us through our journey with Rocco's Marfan Syndrome.
In April, Joel and I happened to be photographing a wedding that Stacey was a guest of. During the reception I was able to sort of catch up with her and she began getting teary eyed speaking of my son Rocco and his diagnosis. She told me she had been researching Marfan Syndrome and congratulated us on being the best parents in the world for our little boy. It was one of the sweetest encounters that just left me smiling from ear to ear. I even remember telling Joel on the ride home from the wedding of our little catch up session and how endearing Stacey was that evening to me.
Fast forward two-to-three weeks, through the grape vine I heard such devastating news from some of Stacey's coworkers. That Stacey and caregivers had felt a lump near Morgan's belly button and that she has cancer. I was so devastated and disturbed. But she is only two? How? Why? The perfect little "Gerber Baby" has cancer? There is no way!
I finally got up the nerve to reach out to Stacey in late May. Even though I was itching to hug and wanting to cry to her from the day I heard the news, I held off. I know how overwhelming and numbing those beginning days and weeks can be; just doing what you can do to keep your head afloat in the pool of worry and sadness. I am just so happy I did reach out to her finally. I am happy I gave her someone to vent to, to cry to, someone that understands the pain of feeling helpless.
When your child is going through something that is bigger than either one of you ever imagined, the feelings are almost indescribable. Stacey sent me a few days of a journal that she kept throughout the entire process. Honestly, she could not have put worded the words in a more perfect form. It screams everything I have felt or thought. An in order to not rip off her words I will include an exert from Stacey's journal that lays out those immense and overwhelming feelings perfectly.
"I worry...maybe its worry that I feel. The unknown. I look her in the eye and think what if………
What if one day she isn’t here….what if they say its cancer……what if I don’t make the right decisions to help her fight this…..The saddest thing is that she doesn’t know anything. She has NO fear, NO understanding of what’s happening, and has NO idea of these horrible feelings I have. I think it’s a feeling of sadness. I can’t describe it…I just feel it."
"I have come to the realization that my child has cancer. It is surreal, never in a million years did I ever think that my baby (perfect with ten little fingers and ten little toes)has cancer. Chemotherapy is the treatment and its sickening to think that I have to agree to put her little body through this. I can’t imagine life without her, so now is the time that I just “do.”"
"People say, “I don’t know what I would do..I can’t imagine how you’re dealing with this…you’re doing so great…” Because, you just do! Anyone in my shoes would say the same…I didn’t choose this, I didn’t pick it, I didn’t go and buy it at the store for her… SO, now I just do whatever it is to make her happy and feel better (or the best she can feel for the day). Dance party in the living room, a bike ride around the block, facetime with friends and family…we just DO!"
"I hope one day I can help another mom who has had to endure the feelings I have had..I hope one day I can tell her that my child fought and survived and hers will too!!"
Her words are EVERYTHING to me. You just have to DO, one day at a time and choose to live through it with a positive mindset. For me having this blog has helped me express my thoughts, feelings, and fears. It's helped me move out of the darkness. Because truly in the long run, remaining in the darkness will not only affect me but it will affect the children. I also look at this blog as a source for other moms that may end up going through the same journey unexpectedly; hoping to all get through to the end together!
Stacey you are everything Morgan needed, you gave her everything you had to give. You can't look back on the whole big picture and think and wish you had done it differently. You did it the best way you knew how, the way your heart told you to get through it. You are an amazing mother with a huge heart and an amazing little girl. Her smile lights up the sky. That smile is proof you are doing and did do the "right" thing.
Morgan ended up having four rounds of chemotherapy and three surgeries, one of which was to remove the tumor. Here is another exert from Stacey's journal: "7 weeks and two days after treatment. Clear cat scans, bloodwork is normal….and I can finally breathe! She is two and a half and happy as a clam. Her endurance is getting better and still loves all the same things: singing, dancing, chasing, running, and riding her tricycle. She is somewhat different-mature…..maybe, cautious….maybe,I can’t figure it out, but I don’t need to right now. She is happy and healthy with a full head of peach fuzz. We aren’t completely out of the clear, but we are in a great place: REMISSION!!!"
REMISSSION!!!!!
What beautiful news to hear! At the end of Morgan's treatment we met up to do a fun little photo session with Miss Morgan, a celebration of the end of her treatments!
VICTORY for this BRAVE one!!!
Please consider donating just a few dollars towards her upcoming
From Stacey's Facebook page: "You may not be a parent of a child with cancer...awareness may not be a big priority, the day before my child was diagnosed...I wasn't a cancer parent either." It's only $10 to sponsor or walk and enjoy all the family fun festivities!!!!! And, all funds go straight to research!!!!! Thank YOU for helping raise awareness and finding a cure for ALL childhood cancers!!!
Click on the link right above to send in your donation. Literally only a few more days before the CureSearch Walk.
That sneaky little sly fox of mine. So so cute watching babies kiss!
Just look at his face after she kissed him! So happy. :)
Thank you Stacey for allowing us to be someone to listen to your fears, to share Morgan's story, to photograph her, and to just be a friend. You have amazing strength. The strength of a MOM. Best job on earth!
xoxo- Christy
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